When Is it Time to Ask for Help?
A lot of us have been there! A lot of us are going there! A lot of us have yet to get there!
Realization
It’s an unfortunate event that will affect all of us in one way or another! All of your days you have come to rely and lean on that one strong person in your life who provided you with guidance, love, support and comfort. This was your “go to” person for anything! You wonder to yourself, where did that person go? He is standing right in front of me but somehow it’s different now. He seems confused and he seems to stare right at me but I could feel the tension in his eyes as he struggles to remember who I am. I can feel his pain even though he is unable to explain it to me as he is at a loss for words and emotions. Tears begin to roll down my face! What am I to do about his memory loss? What am I to do about his unkempt appearance? What am I to do about his unclean and cluttered home? What am I to do about his unpaid bills? I guess it is now time for me to step up to the plate to provide him with the love, support, and comfort that I have always received from him throughout the years! My computer turns on as I search for information and possible solutions. This is all so new to me but it is my turn to learn and lead. He feels alone in the world and I can’t seem to get through to him that I am standing right here, by his side, and will always be here right by his side! Did I see the changes all along but chose to deny them or was I just uneducated? I roll up my sleeves to face the challenges!
Involvement
The first step I decide to take is to involve other members of the family. After all, I do work, have a home of my own and have to travel quite a bit for my job. We set a date for all of us to get together, on a conference call, since we live scattered around the country, to discuss his symptoms. I gather all of the research information, that I found, to be prepared for the call. I take the lead in the conversation. I share the information. We all shed tears and frustrations but come to realize that our loved one needs help. He may not realize that it is time to ask for help so we have to make that decision for him. Luckily, a few years ago, we did get the power of attorney and health care surrogate paperwork in place when he was still with us, in mind, but I guess we never truly realized that we would need to use them. We all agree that “the” conversation with our loved one needs to take place as soon as possible. We all seem in agreement on things but I know that is not always the case with other families, which could make everything even worse! We have his best interests at heart! It’s not about your opinion. It’s not about my opinion. It is about what is best for him!
The Conversation
The day is here to have “the” conversation. I have an uneasy feeling in my gut! I know this is not going to be easy but I must face my fears for his sake. My mind tells me “you’re the strong one now” so I dive right in. My eyelids are heavy because I stayed awake most of the night practicing in my mind how the conversation will start, how I will handle denial, or how will I get him to agree. My mind is racing in so many different directions that it makes my head spin! I have my notes in front of me as a reference. I start out by discussing the facts, what I have observed, and the differences in his personality that have presented. Then I go on with asking him open ended questions to try to get involvement from his perspective. I repeat myself over and over again to be sure he gets it. He seems a little more like himself today! I think he is trying to understand and that makes the uneasy feeling in my gut seem to go away a bit. He is nodding his head in agreement. He has a tear rolling down his cheek! He wants help! We smile and cry together. This is the commencement!
The Beginning
It's a new day! He seems tucked into a cocoon today. I try to unravel his casing of security that he seems to have spun around himself as he lies in the fetal position. We are off to the doctor today for a battery of testing and a definitive diagnosis. As we get into the car, he touches my face with his warm hand and smiles at me! I know that I am doing the right thing. This is the beginning of asking for help for both him and me!
The Visit
We check in at the counter and turn in whatever medical records I could find. The wait in the doctor’s waiting room wasn’t too bad. I take a deep breath as I hear his name being called. As we walk slowly to the door that will lead us to getting some help, the anxiety seems to be getting a little less because I know that what lies ahead of us will be answers to the “cry for help.” He smiles at the doctor! I go over all of our questions in anticipation of much needed answers and/or responses. The doctor rests his hand on my shoulder as he lays out what the next steps will be. Wow! This is a long list but we know it must be done. An appointment will be set up for complete lab work to rule out other causes for his memory loss, confusion, and behavior changes. Inside my head, I pray that it would be so easy to find an infection or dehydration or a complication from another medication that he takes. This would be an easy fix! Eliminate the source and he could come back to us! An appointment will be set up for an MRI and CT Scan of the brain. An appointment will be set up for a Mini-Mental State Examination (MMSE) or Folstein test that measures cognitive impairment. A referral will be made to a Specialist. Keep your chin up! It will all work out is what I keep telling myself.
The Inevitable
A few weeks have come and gone but it seems like an eternity! The results are in! It’s the inevitable. He has Alzheimer Dementia! I relay the information to the other family members. We all take a moment to accept the realization. I know we will be strong for him because he needs us! It’s our turn to take care of him. I go to the pharmacy to pick up the medications that the doctor ordered for his diagnosis. While driving, I suddenly realize that we can’t leave him alone anymore! The doctor explained to me that it is a progressive disease and will only get worse. What are we to do? As I opened his front door with the medications, on the counter are crumbs everywhere, spilled iced tea, and a sandwich that had been made but not eaten. He tells me he ate and is quite full but I know better by the evidence presented in the kitchen. I quickly remembered from my research that there are companies who will come to the home to sit with him, cook for him, go grocery shopping and run errands, lend a watchful eye and listening ear, and do housekeeping. Once again, a conference call takes place with other family members. Yes, this is what we should do to keep him at home, as long as we can, in his comfortable atmosphere! We do not want to confuse him further. I make the call to determine the best company to provide what he needs. We get started with services! We love him!
Summary
Do you know someone who may be experiencing what is mentioned in the above story? Please keep these tips in mind:
- Be aware of any changes in your loved one’s personality.
- Be aware of any changes to your loved one’s memory or difficulty in concentrating.
- Early detection and intervention is key!
- Do research; be educated.
- Is your loved one having recent falls or problems with walking? This could be a symptom.
- Be comforting; understand your loved one’s feelings.
- Assure your loved one that you will not be abandoning them but that you will be there right by his/her side every step of the way.
- Seek out medical advice until you are satisfied.
- Join support groups. Unfortunately, you are not alone in this endeavor.
- Seek out help! For your loved one to remain in the comforts of their home, you will need to hire licensed in-home caregiver services to achieve that goal.
- Be prepared for resistance! Have your answers ready.
- Plan, Plan, Plan….
- Orchestrate “the” conversation.
- Although, you may be the main caregiver, seek out help for yourself too to prevent “burn-out.”
So, When is it Time to Ask for Help? The Time is Now!
